So close no matter how far.....

Sometimes in life random things happen that all seem to point in the same direction. As I said in the last post I have been encouraged in my writing by several people lately and for that I am thankful. I do have lots to say and even if no one cares to read it, I think writing is the most therapeutic tool there is.. Now, I am aware that some people cannot read without correcting the writing therefore this blog may not be for you. In the event that I one day take these posts and try to publish them I would have to edit. Since my goal currently is first to help myself understand my life a little better and second to maybe help just one person in similar circumstances, the details are not my focus and frankly take the fun and deepness out of the experience for me. Therefore, I have warned you that this will not be grammatically or any other way correct and will never ask those of you that can't handle my style if you have read a piece. With that said:

GRIEF...

I have been focused on grief lately and it was before a big event in the life of a friend occurred.. Then she got the dreaded news and ironically the sermon Sunday was about how we don't take enough time for grief in our culture.. That the ancients understood something about how hard it is to deal with losing and how we try to push people to move on... For the purposes of this post we are discussing grief in any form as it relates to you.. Obviously death of someone you love is the number one form that everyone thinks of, but we grieve lots of things..from losing a dream, to a marriage, to a friendship, to our childhood or or children leaving childhood. So many ways that it is in our daily lives and all the positives in the world do not make our grief any less.. We still mourn these events and sometimes it takes a lot longer than society will allow.

Anyone that has taken psychology 101 has heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her five stages of grief, but for these purposes I want to show you how it is more than just death that she understands.. Incase you are not up on the stages they are as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I think it may surprise you to learn the true meaning of what some of these mean and not my meaning but what the "experts" say. We are so conditioned in our culture to assign meaning to words and not actually understand that there can be several meanings.. For instance: forgiveness... That word does not just mean that you will absolve someone from the debt they owe you. It means that you understand and accept what happened and you are willing to forgive, but not always to forget and certainly not to absently trust again.. As the bible says, "don't give your pearls to people that
cannot appreciate them.." I often think of it being an "awful lot of oysters with no pearls".. (thank you Counting Crows) These stages are much of the same..

For instance, Denial.. Unless you have experienced it you cannot understand it fully. Yes you have been confronted with the bad that has happened. Someone dies, you catch your spouse in an affair, you find out that you cannot have children. You know that the event has occurred, but the brain is a funny thing.. Denial and shock are one in the same and they help us to only take bits of the grief at one time.. If you were to take all the shock of it you sometimes mentally could not handle it so you go numb and just try to survive each day... obviously with lots of tears and hopefully sleep because that is the only relief you have at times.. Or in my case about a weeks worth of alcohol just to leave the world.. That is not the suggested way but in my particular case I was in such shock and disbelief and my entire world as I had known it for 10 plus years was gone... I had to withdraw on a huge scale for fear of never returning.

Then came the anger.. I believe in anger.. I was angry at my husband and my best friend and the world and God and all the people that weren't handling things like I needed and the mean people in the world that acted as if I had no right to be angry and the church for asking me to keep this quiet.. It felt like everyone wanted to protect them above me and I was soooo angry and I withdrew more. During this time there was only ONE person I felt could understand and without him I wouldn't have made it. HE had been there before.. EXACTLY like I had and he helped me through the stages. The truth about anger though is that all it is is pain. Instead of feeling numb you are beginning to feel again and you need to hold on to something and anger is easy to hold on to because you have been wronged. Wronged by your spouse, or your friends, or the universe, or God.. It is something your mind can understand and use.

Then came the bargaining.. I had always used one of two people to help me in my worst times. My husband or my best friend. When he screwed up I went to her.. when she screwed up I went to him.. I had other friends but I felt that those two would ALWAYS be there.. Little did I know that they were talking often outside of anything I knew about and not always about me. Suddenly my loyalties were gone.. I felt if I didn't have one of them I had nothing and now suddenly I had to deal with the worse pain in my life without either of them.. possibly forever.. I had to protect my family. My kids needed their family.. SO I started bargaining. I would do whatever it took to make it work.. I could forget, I could have an "open" marriage if that's what he needed.. Did I need to dress trashy? Is that what he wanted? Did I need to learn to gamble? The two of them loved that and I did not. What?? What did I have to do to make this work. I did things during this phase that a rational human would NEVER consider and I changed who I was to try and make it right. I wanted to hold on to whatever I could of the life I thought I had.. To be honest I still live here often. Not living for me or what I think is right just to try and keep the peace. I have a feeling lots of grieving people do.

OH and then it hits.. The depression... I began to feel empty. I couldn't trust anything in my life. I still can't . What was real, what wasn't, did they make fun of me the way they both did so many others, no I didn't just get a boob job.. I was still having babies so my body image issues were in full force.. Why would they both not choose me?? What was wrong with me? I knew there was a weird energy with the two of them sometimes, but she would never do that.. Friends don't do that.. Was she not my friend? How many others has it been? What is wrong with me? Why can't they love me? Why would they choose each other... on and on and on... the questions and they sadness never ever stops.. and it goes into hopelessness.. IF I wasn't good enough for the two people I love the most then how can I be a good mother, daughter, anything?? I imagine depression and question comes in many forms depending on the loss but I can assure you it is not something you just get over and it is not something you WANT to live in. Especially in my situation it was hard because we are talking about self esteem and body issues that we all have from middle school on.. How will I ever be good enough??

Then finally comes Acceptance.. a HUGE word on this.... It is NOT that you are "all right" that everything is "ok" in fact you will go back and forth through all these stages lots of times.. Most people NEVER feel OK after a loss.. EVER.. it just means that you accept the reality that is your new life. It may just mean you have a few more good days than bad ones...you can NEVER EVER replace what you lost.. Even if you make new friends, remarry, adopt.. you can enjoy the "new normal" but for the most part that hole in your heart is there to stay. Depending on the loss you may never truly trust again, love again, feel safe again. All you can do is try to be thankful for what you do have and to trust that God has a plan and be glad that your enteral life is not in this fallen world.

Grief is not something that anyone can really help you get through or understand. It is not something that can be done in a specific timeframe. It is not something that just being thankful for your outside world can fix. It is not something that time makes easier. When you truly love (whatever that may look like) and you truly lose you never ever "get over it". The best you can do is pick yourself up and pray that you can get further tomorrow. When it is a betrayal it does make you look at everything in your world with different glasses and anyone that wants in will have to pass some tests and if it is the one that betrayed you they may live in a test for a long long time depending on how long the betrayal was and how honest and sensitive they were in the beginning and are now. Every new piece of information you receive is like starting over from square one in the grief process and every lie is magnified times 1000. People may feel they don't owe you that kind of time or love and honestly no one owes you anything but if THEY have done the hurting it shows their CHARACTER and how much they value their time, their heart, and their life over the life that they destroyed.. That too will be answered for in another world.. Unconditional love is a thing to be prized but when you lose the things you loved unconditionally you are no longer capable of accepting things on face value and all the mean hateful things that people do are just further proof to a broken heart that that heart cannot trust...

Also, keep in mind one further thing. We live outside ourselves and inside ourselves and both are equally important. If you cannot open your inside after you have had a loss then you are only giving the world the "best picture" of yourself but certainly not your true self.. I personally do not want half of anything anymore.. I had half and marriage, half friendship, half a life and I refuse to live half way anymore.. This is me.. the good, the bad, the broken, the hurt, the laughter, the music, and the pain.. If you cannot handle what all is me that is ok.. I am not here to please anyone. Although some days when my bargaining is in full force I regress.. I am trying to live my best life with the only tools I have and I hope that I can take all this crap and give someone a voice that others hear because my voice and my heart never really mattered to anyone.. They now matter to me...

The Cheesecake factory...

First, let me start by saying.. Lots of people have told me I should "start a blog" and I have tho I'm not real great at publishing much. I've also written several chapters for two kinds of books on a affairs. I stopped writing because 1.. I'm intimated not by the writing but the grammar and punctuation. Don't get me wrong, I know about and can write correctly, I just choose my style with three periods and a million run on sentences because I am writing in my stream of consciousness and that Is how I think. 2..I often write on my phone because it's handy and that makes it hard to proofread.. 3.. Because the people in the books or one of them anyway gets sensitive when I am so honest.. Well I've decided I can't help that.. I didn't choose this topic for my life.. Two people very close to me did.. So sorry if it is hard to read my words. You are free to not.. But I no longer choose silence because I think making it as taboo as we in our society yet sensationalizing in the movies and on TV only adds to the curiosity and intrigue of it.. With that said.. Today is short..and not really about affairs.

If you are the mother of an elementary school student and you attend lunch at that the school or volunteer often.. A little bit about dress..

A friend of mine from Memphis and I were discussing this the other night. If you are going to lunch with your child or are at any daytime event.. There is an appropriate way to look.. Not in that list of appropriateness is the following: heels so high that you look like a little kid wearing her Momma's shoes, shirts so low that even the kids have to "bounce" their eyes so as not to see your "girls", skirts so short that even Hooters girls would look twice, and a voice so loud so as EVERYONE in the metro area can hear and be sure and SEE you.

Now I don't say all of this to be mean. I say it because I'm afraid that some people's Mothers didn't teach them any better or maybe they found their Mothers to be prudes. Either way.. Ladies, it's time to grow up. I have yet to understand why some woman choose to have people talk about them but let me ASSURE you, the other woman are NOT jealous! Not even a little, at least not if they have been out of High School for longer than five minutes. Anyone can dress like that if they want to. They are sincerely talking about how ridiculous you look. They truly think that you NEED attention and that it's a sad pathetic way to live. I know people with that mentality get off on thinking everyone is looking at them wishing they were them.. Newsflash here.. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE YOU.. Frankly when you leave high school you can be anything you want to be.. So if they wanted to be like that they would..

Note on when people are at a school type event with their husband and woman are dressed like that and people are talking.. Think of it like a decadent cheesecake.. Ladies do NOT put a piece of really fatting, full of crap cheese cake in front of their spouse unless they want them to eat it.. Men are visual and weak and many of them will eat the cake if no one is watching. That does not mean ladies are jealous of the cheesecake. The cake could be any kind..chocolate, cherry, coconut.. If it's there, most men will look, and many men would partake. Do you really want to be that piece of crap that men eat one bite of and go back to the real food they actually love??

If that is your goal in life: get men to look at you, embarrass your kids, and have people talk about you that's your issue and your own self esteem that you have to deal with but just wanted you to know that the average woman is not jealous nor do they want to be you. Now do they wish they had your body, maybe..but even if they did I bet they would respect themselves and their families enough to dress with class. When most of us reach a certain age we no longer need the attention of men that look at us like something to be used and prefer for woman around us to respect us and for us to respect ourselves. So go on.. Look around, they are laughing AT you not for a minute do they want to be laughing with you! And yeah.. I'm just sayin!

Everything I needed to know was confirmed by the Greeks....

The last few months I have really been doing evaluations of what is important in my life, in my history, and how those things have made me who I am.. When I enrolled in College at Western Kentucky University, my Mother was determined I was going to Go Greek. Me, I wasn't so sure.. It's not that I didn't like having a million girlfriends or that I didn't want the experience, but you see I was in my Pearl Jam phase (not to be confused with those pearls you see around my neck often now!) My REM..My Nirvana..and that was not a shiny happy place.  I wanted to forget the Vineyard Vines Chinos with the whales on them that my Mother thought were so cute and anything else that had to do with "Preppie".. I did't put my "lipstick on" or do more that wear a ponytail mostly in rebellion to the roots that had raised me.. I wanted to be "different" (while conforming with the music imagines that MTV used to show in videos). I was "soooo" different.. No wonder my parents thought I was "the most brilliant different child that looked liked everyone else".. Oh, I would never redo High School...

Then I got to the dorm.. I had met my roommate on a shopping trip for matching comforters but we weren't "friends" yet as this was before cell phones and texting and long distance used to cost money.. (and oh my goodness I am that old woman I always laughed at..) anyway, she was rushing.. I didn't want to sit in my room alone so I too decided I would "make my Mom happy" and see what it was all about. We had some girls across the hall that also went with us. One of which ended up being one of the best friends I ever had. It was scary as all of these happy loud girls chanting forever old chats in bright colors from pink, to red, to purple, to green seemed to be EVERYWHERE... and me in my t-shirt and jeans determined to NEVER go back to the bright colors of the Hamptons EVER again...

Then a strange thing happened.. We went in and met each of these "groups" on their turf, with their colors, and silver, and beautifully decorated chapter rooms that very much looked like "home". They were real people, they were trying to get us to want them, they were asking questions and seemed like they cared.. They understood the scariness of being 2 hours away from home and they were like me. It didn't take long for me to know which place I belonged.. The pearls, the pink, the fact that my (soon to be) "Big" sister was one of the people I most looked up to in High School. 

At some point we were reminded of the rules: always be back by Sunday night for Chapter meetings that you couldn't wear Kurt Cobain to. You had to dress and "respect yourself and the space". The meetings were real and to be taken seriously. You NEVER smoke or drink and wear letters (which is an issue since you are ALWAYS wearing letters). You NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE spend the night in the fraternity house. (even if you leave before sun up). Your grades matter, after all that IS what your parents are spending all that money on. Also, you wouldn't be able to attend the functions if you weren't passing. That would stink. You are to always put your "sisters"first. You never leave them at a party or any place that they could be harmed. There are several things that remain secret and must always in order to protect that bond that you make. 

It all kinda seems silly as an adult but looking back because why wouldn't you want to do these things on your own.. but it wasn't . It's kinda of like why do you make your bed everyday if you are just going to get back in it? Because it's a discipline. These girls taught me to have respect for myself and if you screw up you are going to get called out for it because you are not only representing yourself, you are representing your school and your Chapter. You dress for meetings because you are learning the importance of looking nice in public and you are not taught how to dress for The Club.. It is modest and correct attire that will serve you well in the future when you go to a business function or when you have to dress for a dinner. They teach you the reason to not act a fool in public (although those lessons mixed with freedom from parents sometimes take a few times to learn and the discipline girls are TOUGH) or so I've heard.. (first hand one time and one time only!) Most important they taught you the reason to be a good friend and have each others' backs. They taught you that what your "Sisters" say matters and that it is in your best interest to hear them and to also be heard by them when they need it... It taught me above all that respect for self and others is what a legacy is..

Phi Mu is something that I have let slip in my post college years. That is NOT what we were taught. We were suppose to always be involved with our sorority.  I have not been back to help the Chapter or even to homecoming. I have been raising babies and finding new friends.. Ironically though, Phi Mu has found me. I have always gotten my monthly magazine and wear my pin from time to time. When I decorate my house I think often of the Chapter room that was so much like home. I love my family silver. I love my family pearls (though I still love Pearl Jam.. I can now just love Eddie without having to dress like him!) and when I see a pink carnation I always smile.. I am so glad that I have these girls as sisters and forever friends and it is really sweet to meet new ladies and find out they too were Phi Mu sisters after I left. It's funny that I seem to connect with certain people and eventually find out that some of them really do share a bond with me that no one else ever will.

Anyone that thinks that Sorority life is just about "buying friends" obviously never experienced it. It is deeper than that. It is a connection that is unexplainable. These ladies are what "class" is all about. Literally. They are the woman that are in our weddings. They are like picking up an old locket and remembering special memories. They shared the most freeing times in our lives and they taught us how to not be catty, petty, trashy woman. They were there to remind us what our Mothers and Grandmothers and Great Grandmothers wanted for us. A life full of love, children, happiness. A life that when we leave this Earth we left it better than when we got here. It has taken me a long time to find myself again but roots run deep and I "remember where I came from" and my kids are going to be so happy when I go back to Vineyard Vines and buy them the Chinos with the whale on them or go to Lilly and get the girls Phi Mu headbands in hopes that my legacy will live on... I am glad I "stopped the world and went Phi Mu!" And I'm proud to have each of you in my lives again!